Whore next door¹

Where to start?  Barbie had been knocking around since the arse-end of the ‘Fifties in one perma-tanned form or other, but we’re most interested in the so-called “aspirational” late ‘Eighties when manufacturer Mattel realised they could sell the dolls as collectors items as well as mere playthings.  Or, as the marketing speak of the day put it: to improve profitability and maintain consistent revenue streams, Mattel began a strategy of maximising core brands whilst simultaneously identifying new brands with core potential.  Ah yes, there’s the insipid corporate message at the heart of your Dream Glow Barbie.  

But then she’s always been one for the commercial tie-up has Barbie.  From the days of her first-run adverts during the Mickey Mouse Club to Barbie couture and those straight-to-DVD CGI-saturated movies, she’s monetised every innovation, trend and fashion in search of global dominance.  In fact, she’d probably use a word like “monetise” without blushing.  If she wasn’t wearing so much blusher in the first place.  

Fair play to the girl, though - she could certainly never be called a munter.  Always impossibly glamorous and immaculately turned out, Barbie has proved to be a role model to a million all-American, body-conscious Swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads.  And she sure does shift some units, taking upward of three billion dollars over the counter each year².  What could be more upwardly mobile than that?  

As Mattel’s trade-marked mission statement solemnly avows, Barbie is “more than a doll”.  Whatever it is she wants to be, though, she still hasn’t made up her fucking mind.  Model, gymnast, fashion designer, rock star – Barbie’s had a punt at every job under the sun, presumably packing in each one after a few days in floods of tears before settling down in front of Trisha with a packet of Milk Chocolate Digestives to “consider her options”.  What kind of a name is Barbie, anyway³?  

In recent years Barbie’s fortunes have see-sawed, as she suffered declining sales in the face of the Spice Girl-indebted Bratz dolls, split up (then got back together again) with Ken, and staged her own touring musical (“Live In Fairytopia” – urgh, can’t you just taste the syrup?).  

Call her anything you like, but don’t call her unpatriotic.  There is a Barbie doll in a time capsule due to be opened in 2076 to celebrate three hundred years of the American Revolution; she is dressed in stars and stripes dress featuring a line of soldiers in uniform on the hem.  Cut her down the middle and she’d have the letters U, S and A stencilled through her like a stick of rock.  Blow her head off and the blood on the wall behind would be red, white and fucking blue.