Industriousness for the under-fives

Now, of course we weren’t covetous of these chunky, cheery toys – good God, we barely knew they existed! But who was it, do you think, that looked down on the cross-legged kids busy with the 23-piece toolkit, shape-sorter or play family garage and thought “Hmm… this lot are a bit lazy, all told – they could do with starting work a bit younger”? Whoever it was, we’ll bet our state pension they’re the same people now campaigning to raise the retirement age. Giving it to us at both ends? Thanks.

Accordingly, the Fisher-Price Activity Centre arrived in toy shops; a collection of moving wheels, dials, dingers and squeeks with enough sound effects to recreate the opening bars of Pink Floyd’s “Money”. Looking back from the lofty age of eight years’ old, suddenly we felt like we had missed out after all. Now there were tots in the cradle clocking in for a full day’s button-pushing toil literally without getting up off their backs, while we suffered the indignity of short trousers and a real-world primary school.

In the interests of research, however, we now present those so-called “activities” in full (and what consequences they lead to in adulthood). The unit comprised a mirror (pandering to narcissistic tendencies), a hare and tortoise slider (for budding inveterate gamblers), a pump-action test-your-strength style bell (for would-be fairground strongmen) and at least three different types of spinning discs (training the local radio DJs of the future). Surely the most telling activity, however, was the telephone dial of despair. With its purposeless rotation, lack of numbers or people to call, it surely fuelled the fear of living (and dying) friendless that is our great modern-day tragedy. Seriously, we can’t think of any other justification for the popularity of MySpace.