Pipe cleaner with personality

The archetypal “spontaneous dad present”, we’re saying, insofar as it’s the sort of thing he’d spot in Toy And Hobby one night after work – usually because of an endlessly-looped demo commercial playing on a telly in the window - and decide to bring home to thrill the brood with. Although having barely learned the rudiments of its “secret instructions”, the breadwinner of the house¹ would still be able to make Squirmles do just enough to have your baby sister squeal with excitement and run off into mummy’s arms.

Then, with a paternal wink, you’d be taken to one side and shown exactly how it worked - on a bit of bloody fishing line nicked off your junior angler rod! The secret instructions themselves didn’t break any Magic Circle code either: basically, you were supposed to tie the “invisible thread” around your shirt button and move your hands across it to and fro. Not easy for a t-shirt dwelling mite of the ‘Seventies.

Any actual fun evaporated after a few hours of practicing and failing to make Squirmles do anything it said on the packet. Maybe master prestidigitators could get him to go in and out of jacket pockets and that but for kids with fingers-and-thumbs, first grade piano hands even the “sliding back and forth across the tabletop” manoeuvre was a lofty aspiration. Plus, you would inevitably attempt the “in and out of the glass” trick before remembering to drink your Vimto, leading to what we believe they call in the toy trade the “wet fuzz” scenario.

The high concept idea behind all this nematode nonsense was to fool other kids into believing Squirmles was a genuine pet (“Everyone’s got them in Florida”); this despite the fact that they, rather like the “invisible thread”, were clearly visible and on sale in the high street. Luckily there was always one gullible, short-sighted girl in the class who’d be suckered in as it twirled around your finger. Sadly, the critical come-on line “Would you like to see my furry worm?” barely extended into adolescence without headmaster’s office visit repercussions.